Two Pink Lines

For us, they represent joy, happiness, future & personality. Casey and I always wanted a bigger family. It was something we talked about very early on in our relationship. It was a choice we made together. I know bigger families aren’t for everyone & that is okay. We love & respect our friends who choose to have a smaller family. For us, we planned this. We wanted this, every bit of the beautiful chaos that comes with caring for “so many” kids. What we didn’t anticipate was the heartache that came with the journey of becoming a parent. The pain we would feel as we tried to grow our family & time after time that journey was cut short just weeks into my pregnancies - The thing is, everyone says “don’t get too excited” or “don’t announce until you are in the clear” - Isn’t that sad? That so many women can’t share their excitement when they see those pink lines because the likely hood of miscarriage is so high...I’ve felt that. I’m feeling that. We are crushed, heartbroken & we will never understand why this has happened to us so many times. We are some of the lucky ones too. Who have lost, then succeeded later on with growing our family. But so many aren’t as lucky as us. See, those two pink lines that we get so excited about, that we immediately fall in love with & hold with all our might. Those two lines are - just lines to some people. “It’s okay, you can try again” or “well at least you have four other kids to love” - yeah...we do, you aren’t wrong. But we loved this baby too. We love all the babies we have lost too soon. Society is so quick to make it seem like those two lines should be taken with a grain of salt, not taken seriously. We can’t get excited about these “lines” aka our babies because of such a high likelihood of loss? The grief we feel is real, the loss we feel is real. These lines, our babies...they were loved, wanted, prayed for. I don’t want to “hide” my pregnancy from the world because it’s now almost normal to miscarry early on. How is that fair? I should have to grieve alone? Because when I have miscarried in the past, the loneliness I have felt may not have felt so heavy if I had other parents who I could talk to that know exactly what my heart feels...I’m almost ashamed of myself for even coming out & talking about our loss now. But why? How excited we were on Christmas this year that 2021 would bring us a new baby to love. Names, plans, excitement. Only for us to lose all of that in a matter of moments. For that excitement to turn into instant grief. A heaviness you can’t shake because the process of losing a pregnancy takes for days I wake up reminded of what is now lost. For days I’m reminded of what could have been & won’t be. - But, I shouldn’t say anything right? Keep it to myself because miscarriage is so common that it’s made out to be no big deal...well, reality check friends. Losing a baby even just a couple of weeks in is crushing. Miscarriage is hard, it can become haunting. Stop making parents feel like it’s no big deal. Stop making parents feel like they can’t share their babies as soon as they see those two pink lines...because at that very moment they become parents forever - People see these parents grieving over a baby they never held, a baby that was “the size of a grain of rice” or that maybe they didn’t even have a chance to hear a heartbeat...these people think that these parents are crazy for sharing early because when a loss happens it’s: “if you would have waited to share until you were in the clear then....” - then what? This wouldn’t hurt so bad? This wouldn’t feel as awful as it does? - I doubt that. It hurts worse when you feel isolated. Because the truth is there is no “clear” babies can die at any stage in a pregnancy for so many different reasons. Babies die every single day in their sleep. It’s true, a painful reality. It is hard to swallow. There never is truly a “clear” so why are there these unspoken rules about not sharing pregnancies until after the second trimester? Why shouldn’t parents openly love and share the excitement of their babies from the moment the pink lines appear? - We should. Parents should be able to celebrate when they feel ready, even if that is early on....because if that pregnancy sadly ends in a loss. There are so many out there that could rally for support & love. So much good can come from family & friends knowing early on...more support. More love. It’s what we all need.