Two Pink Lines
Everything was actually feeling normal, bloodwork was looking like it should have for the most part and I was feeling right (the first few weeks). This pregnancy felt like the one that was going to make it. I truly felt like I would have my rainbow baby finally in my arms this coming spring. The Nausea, Cravings, it was all there. The HCG numbers doubling, I was on progesterone but we knew I would likely need to be on that to keep those levels up. Many women go on to have healthy pregnancies even after having low progesterone. I had so much hope this time around...
Heartbreak
On Wednesday September 15th I went into the Emergency Room with severe pain in my left side. I already knew this pregnancy was ectopic. The days leading up to me going in I had been in pain and it was just getting worse. I went to my OB office and told the OB on staff that day that I knew it was ectopic and I needed help she said I was too soon but I just knew. I know my body, I have had enough pregnancies at this point to know. My midwife and the regular OB I see weren't in office so I went home and told my husband I would reach out to them when they got back in the office. They have always listened and I knew if I told them something was wrong they would act fast. Well, I didn't get that far, the pain was so bad I went in to the ER instead. I went to the hospital where I knew i'd be able to be treated by my OB, this particular ER was always so good at communication with them in the past so I felt comfortable going there.
Once I arrived they took me back immediately, they did scans, bloodwork, ultrasounds the whole work up. The ER physician immediately got in touch with my OBGYN and they came up with a plan, After the testing, I waited in a room. At first I refused pain meds, I still had some faith that I may be wrong and just maybe this baby would be okay. I wanted to believe so bad that I was wrong. After a while the final scans came back and the ER physician came in, he held my hand and told me that there was no baby in the endometrium (they house for a growing baby), I had "fluid" in my abdomen and with all my other organs looking okay, It just confirmed what I already knew. He cried with me for a while, in the middle of a very busy time at the hospital, he cried with me. When he felt me let go of his hand he told me he was going to call my Doctor and he would be right back. After consulting with my Doctor he came back to let me know they were admitting me and it was time I accepted pain medication so I could rest and they would move me to a room. I agreed, and was immediately taken care of. Soon after I was moved to a room, there was no way to get me into an OR that night as it was already 3am at this point. I was told I would go into surgery the following day. I called Casey and let him know, he was home with the kids. He called our nanny Delaney and she immediately came over so Casey could bring me some things at the hospital for my stay. Delaney stayed all weekend until my mom arrived to help with the kids.
They took care of me over night and monitored my blood pressure and made sure they stayed on top of my pain. It was the worst I have ever felt in my life. Morning came and my Doctor came in and let me know I would be in the OR at 12:00 pm that day. We knew the pregnancy was ectopic but what we didn't know was that the fallopian tube had ruptured days prior and I had been slowly bleeding out. My Doctor had a feeling it might be ruptured but on every single ultrasound they weren't able to get a good visual of my fallopian tube to be sure, but with the fluid, that was either one of the cysts I had that had ruptured - or what it actually was, blood.
12:00 pm rolls around and I am taken to the OR and prepped for surgery, my Doctor came in and we went over a plan together on how things could go once he went in with the scope to take a look. He gave me all my options, walked me though what each one of them meant long term and made sure I was comfortable with these decisions. I opted for a D&C, I knew I couldn't handle bleeding for weeks on end and surgery and losing the baby. I knew it would be too much for me to handle mentally. I also asked that if he needed to take my fallopian tube, that If he could save my ovary to do so. At this time we still didn't know for sure that I was bleeding out.
After surgery I spoke with my Doctor, he told me that when he got the scope in, he saw that my tube had ruptured and I was bleeding out. Shockingly, I had some kind of scar tissue between my fallopian tube and bowel (this is also what was blocking the view of the baby in the tube), when the tube ruptured it just so happened that the scar tissue from my bowel slowed the bleeding quite a bit saving my life. He removed my fallopian tube, the baby, saved my ovary and closed me up.
I was six weeks pregnant, a typical ectopic doesn't rupture until 8 weeks. If it wouldn't have been for that bowel, I would have lost my life.
Numb
Due to there being no beds at the hospital because of Covid, I was sent home just hours after surgery. I was actually grateful for this as all I wanted was my own bed. Between the pain and the medication I was just numb. Emotionally and physically I just was numb inside and out. Days passed, my mom came into town and helped for over a week. I had strict instructions to not lift anything and was to be on pelvic rest for at least two weeks. During the surgery he had to fill my stomach with air to get a good look, which would take time to go down so I had to use a belly binder to help that process. The blood in my abdomen would re-absorb which would also take time and cause discomfort for some time. With the three incisions plus the other discomforts my brain was just focused on trying to stay ahead of all the physical pain I was feeling. It was a distraction.
It has been 13 days since my surgery. Pain wise, I am getting better slowly but surely. Emotionally, I hadn't even processed what had happened until last night.
The Wave
Grief is weird. It doesn't ever come when you expect it to. I almost felt like maybe it was just never going to come. I had been grieving losing my tube but it just isn't the same as the loss of a baby. I have lost many babies, and I have always had just instant grief. This time it was different.
Last night I went to bed as usual, I had a really rough day physically and I just couldn't get my mind tired even though my body was ready for bed. I felt off. I went to bed and was just laying there and it hit me. It was a wave, I felt it cover me, consume me. I was paralyzed and unable to do anything but sob. There is was, I got out of bed to not wake Ryan from my rugged breaths and went to the front bathroom. I sobbed until it hurt, my incisions throbbing, on my knees finally feeling that loss that occurred just 13 days ago. It takes two weeks for the hormones to leave your body after a miscarriage at six weeks. This whole time I have been home from surgery my body still felt pregnant. Now I don't.
I cry as I write this. The wave isn't over and I feel like I am being tossed in circles as it consumes me. I will never understand why this had to happen to me. Why we have had so many losses one after the other. I have so much fear from the trauma that I didn't realize was even there until today. So, I write this raw, feeling stripped of joy and all the things this baby would have brought our family. I don't know how long this will last...but I can't see the shore from here.